Day Eighty Two: Eduardo’s Road To Fitness

I have hatched a plan to get to ride a stage in the Tour de France. I am not talking about doing the plain old L’Etape like everyone else. Nope. The real deal, a full road stage, mixing it up with the pros. The plan is simple, yet is reliant upon a few things for it to work smoothly:

– The riders in the Astana team must agree to wear Nixon Masks, so that when I wear mine, I will look just like them and then nobody will recognize my face and go ‘Hey that’s not a member of the team”.
– All the riders in the bunch must ride at my pace. Nice and slowly. Like the cars always did when driving down the highway in the series ‘Chips’.
– The night before the stage, I will have my super model Bond girl accomplice take Levi Leipheimer out for a few beers.
– Once there, she will drug him with sleeping pills that are not on the banned list. He will not notice that his beer tastes like sleeping pills.
– I will wait for her to leave with the sleepy cyclist. He will not fall asleep until she gets him back to his hotel.
– Just as she gets to the reception desk, the night managers shoe laces will get entangled with those on each shoe so he’ll bend down and won’t see them enter the foyer.
– She will go back to his room with him. He will fall into a deep sleep. My bond girl will let me into the room. I will take a complete set of team clothing in readiness for my ride the next day.
– I will take his bike as I know it’ll fit me; having done my research I know we are the same physical size.
– We dress Levi in his cycling kit and put a Nixon mask on him.
– We make good our escape, leaving him snoring in his own bed.
– The next morning at breakfast I hand a note to the rest of the team, all wearing their Nixon Masks – it informs them that if they can speak in a fake French accent until dinner they will each receive a thousand dollars. They all agree. Now nobody will know I am not Levi. My identity is safe.
– The next morning I bribe Graham Watson who agrees to knock off any rider that tries to break away – he will blame this on the poor driving skills of his motorcycle driver who will be fired and sent to Venice to become a gondola oarsman.
– Johan Bruyneel will agree to spread a rumour that a freak weather storm is to lash the route, the race commissaire will agree to shortening the stage by 79KM missing out the climb and the dangerous icy descent
– Lance Armstrong, my cunning accomplice will shelter me from the wind and tow me to the finish if need be – in return when I have completed the stage I will pretend to have a series of fits during which I shall empty the contents of my bladder upon the shoes of the editor of L’Equipe.
– In the confusion I shall make good my escape, ditching my Nixon mask in a nearby rubbish bin.
– Levi will wake up in his bed wearing a Nixon mask and will not remember anything.
– I will leave France with my Bond girl accomplice under the cover of darkness on a high speed jet boat.

What do you think? Will it work?


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